meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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