dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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