I just pynch a tree in the face
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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