He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
