I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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