having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The best revenge is premature balding
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
