Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
