I just threw up on my dentist
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
