I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
