Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
