She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
