remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
