i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
