you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
