At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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