I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
