I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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