She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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