Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it was like eating out sand paper
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
