You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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