Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
