Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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