I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
