we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
