By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just forgot I was standing up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
