I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
