I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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