I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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