this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
