After last night, I could never be a politician.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
