3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
