My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
