The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
