I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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