I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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