I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
