he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
