She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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