the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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