are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
im six kinds of drunk right now
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
