Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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