I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there was a trapeze. enough said
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
