I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
