i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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