I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
