for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
