there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
