I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
