had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
