I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
