I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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