I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
